Love, Life and All That Stuff

I was suffering from too much time on my hands yesterday and since the kids were gone all day with their dad, I thought it was a great opportunity to get some work done on my newest writing endeavor. The problem is I think I'm suffering from post Nashville deficit disorder because I just couldn't concentrate long enough to get my groove going. I spent half my day cruising around some of the thousands of music pages on myspace trying to find a new profile song. I found a couple that I identified with and they shifted the heavy feeling in my heart momentarily so I'd add them to my profile until I found another that spoke to me and I'd change it again. I think I went through about 50 songs before I finally gave up. I couldn't find "The Song". You know... the one that will ease your heart and dull the unsettling feeling that something is seriously unbalanced in your world.

Music is the balm that soothes all that ails me ... so I am at a loss to explain why out of all of these lyrics of heartache, pain, loss, love, strength, etc.. there isn't one that sums up the way I feel. And so... that is my segue into my thoughts on men and relationships, since most of this unsettled feeling can be blamed on a person that shall remain nameless who kicked my feet out from under me (metaphorically speaking) just before I was leaving to come home from Nashville. Let me tell you I landed on my butt and really hard :()

I have always had a difficult time trying to convince myself that men are anything but self serving, selfish imbeciles who are only concerned about what they want, need, or desire. An age old complaint from someone who spent most of my dating and married life with Alpha males. All of which are the reasons why I usually run like hell if one starts trying to get too close or starts flashing those "hey baby, lust for me" looks. (hey guys... are you starting to feel like an object as opposed to a human being?... yeah well get in line behind us women)

After dating several perfectly respectable, attractive and successful men over the last few years I came to the realization; once I got to know them better and understood their basic value/belief system, that a life with any of them entailed laundry duty, being chained to other sundry domestic chores and the general curtailing of my personal freedom to become an extension of them, as opposed to maintaining my own identity and enhancing their lives with my uniqueness and heart inspired contributions. They had already formulated in their minds (ingrained from a young age I assume, based on the relationship their dad had with their mother) what they expect from a girlfriend/wife and communicated those expectations in ways which actually caused me to shudder in revulsion and suffer terrible bouts of anxiety. I systematically shut them down without a backwards glance. There is a reason why they are divorced or single at this stage of their lives and I had no desire to dig deeper into the why factor.

Sound cold? Well yes, heartless really, but I have no desire to have anyone tell me what to do or how to act....when to come..when to go.. when to be mad, happy, sexy, GRATEFUL. Those days are long over. I feel very strongly that women are too fast to lose themselves to the needs and demands of their partner. They give up to much of themselves in order to maintain balance in the relationship. There is nothing worse than dealing with a pouty, petulant man when he doesn't get his way.

Having been there and done that, I'm really not inspired to walk down that weedy path again. I figure I'm not that desperate for sex that I have to compromise my happiness or identity in exchange for a little physical loving. Unfortunately casual sex leaves me cold so I guess that's how I get screwed. *shaking head at the absurdity of it all*

I've tried the love 'em and leave them thing a few times over the last few years ( but only succeeded in acquiring a handful of persistent suitors who convinced themselves that they are the one that will save me from my poor misguided self. They deluded themselves into thinking that A) I needed saving and B) I was really just putting on an act and I'd crumble at their feet with the right inspiration. Needless to say, I figured if I had given in emotionally even a smidgen, to any of the more appealing ones, they'd lose interest, since the chase would be over and dump me like the 'tard I'd deserve to be labeled, leaving me with that... damn, I know better ... feeling.

How is it that I could betray everything I have fought so hard to maintain, by thinking for one minute that I actually fell in love with a handsome stranger just because he was guileless enough to make a beeline straight to my hardened heart and use the one thing that was a sure fire direct missile through its shell.

I don't know if you believe that "the window to the soul is through a persons eyes", but I know that I believe it to be true. I believe that the deepest connection you can conceive with another person only happens when you can look them straight in the eye and feel their emotion, their integrity and even their sensuality. If you don't feel any of those things; if a direct gaze doesn't send a ripple of sensation through you, then you should just move on.

What if you're making love and are able to hold eye contact the entire time and that look dives straight for your heart? I'd say you have pretty much met your match. If it makes you cry, then all the better because they have moved you into that emotional place that few will ever touch. I mean sex is sex and I like it just as much as the next person, but sex just for the sake of working off a little tension or to prove there is some attraction, just doesn't do it for me. That being said.. I'm not a passionless person either and sometimes you have to do what you have to do especially when you realize Jack and Jose just aren't as warm and cuddly as you'd like .

But, if you're very lucky, there will be a couple of times in your lifetime when you come across a person that can move you into that very secret, emotional place. They will touch you with their soul and it will convince you that no matter what, this is the person that belongs in your heart. Sounds simple doesn't it? Of course at the moment of realization, when that emotion is crashing down on you, you fail to fully consider all of the circumstances and by the time you have a chance to really think about all the reasons it's a bad idea, it's too damn late to do anything to stop it. And so it goes.

Karma, soul mates, love at first site..... all intangible elements that you either believe or disregard. I tend to be a believer. Karma is constantly kicking my butt so it inspires me to be a better person. I think about what I do and how it affects the people and the world around me. I believe that what goes around comes around, so if I want to achieve a balance in this life time I have to give more in order to get less of the crap. Not a bad philosophy if you find it works for you.

I believe that when I run into strangers and sometimes feel a familiarity with them its because at some point in one of my many sojourns into this mortal life, I have met them ... loved them... hated them... Its a de ja vous of a life we've already lived. Another time, another place kind of thing. Profound ? Maybe. But if you can wrap you head around it it's actually pretty logical and can explain a lot of life's little mysteries.

I also consider myself to be a bit of an existentialist so I tend to ponder the "ship's passing in the night" theory and wonder why the heck people come into my life, only to disappear leaving me feeling as if I've lost something important. I wonder why someone who I really don't know or understand, can touch me deeply and leave an indelible mark on my heart.

I also wonder why, for a person who professes to be so damn logical and in control, I could possibly think and feel that I fell in love in only a few hours. Strange, but true.

Nothing is impossible and No one said it would be easy, but it would certainly be worth it if I have finally found the heart that fits together with mine. Now just to find him again. That is the challenge.

2009 CMT Music Awards - Tonight at 8/7c

CMT Music Awards are back LIVE and Loud! Country music's only fan-voted awards show is back live from Nashville with host Bill Engvall. See performances by Trace Adkins, Jason Aldean, Dierks Bentley, Toby Keith, Lady Antebellum, Brad Paisley, Kellie Pickler, Rascal Flatts, Darius Rucker, Sugarland, Taylor Swift, Keith Urban and Def Leppard! Go to cmt.com to cast your vote now. The 2009 CMT Music Awards TONIGHT at 8/7c, only on CMT. http://www.cmt.com/cmt-music-awards/ ---------------------------------------------------------------------- CountryWeekly.com, 21100 Erwin St, Woodland Hills, CA 91367 Subscription Information: If you have questions or problems with your subscriptions, please use our customer service form, located here: http://www.countryweekly.com/custserv/ Unsubscribe Information: If you prefer we don't contact you again by e-mail for any reason, please use this form to remove your name from our list. http://web1.ami-admin.com/perl/cms/unsubscribe_cw.pl All e-mail addresses were obtained through user-submittal on CountryWeekly.com

2009 CMT Music Awards - Tonight at 8/7c

CMT Music Awards are back LIVE and Loud! Country music's only fan-voted awards show is back live from Nashville with host Bill Engvall. See performances by Trace Adkins, Jason Aldean, Dierks Bentley, Toby Keith, Lady Antebellum, Brad Paisley, Kellie Pickler, Rascal Flatts, Darius Rucker, Sugarland, Taylor Swift, Keith Urban and Def Leppard! Go to cmt.com to cast your vote now. The 2009 CMT Music Awards TONIGHT at 8/7c, only on CMT. http://www.cmt.com/cmt-music-awards/ ---------------------------------------------------------------------- CountryWeekly.com, 21100 Erwin St, Woodland Hills, CA 91367 Subscription Information: If you have questions or problems with your subscriptions, please use our customer service form, located here: http://www.countryweekly.com/custserv/ Unsubscribe Information: If you prefer we don't contact you again by e-mail for any reason, please use this form to remove your name from our list. http://web1.ami-admin.com/perl/cms/unsubscribe_cw.pl All e-mail addresses were obtained through user-submittal on CountryWeekly.com

Your Bailout Dollars At Work! Exclusive Photos of Merrill-Ly

Your Bailout Dollars At Work! Exclusive Photos of Merrill-Lynch Chief's Mansion So what if your company loses $15 billion in one quarter -- that doesn't mean YOU have to cut back on your lifestyle. And RadarOnline.com has the exclusive photo proof! Merrill-Lynch's John Thain was at the helm as his company plunged toward oblivion late last year until finally suckering Bank of America to acquire the money-hemorrhaging firm. That rotten acquisition has contributed to BOA now needing a $20 billion bailout from the U.S. government. So while Americans are struggling to clean up that mess, Thain is living in a 16 bedroom, 16 bath house! RadarOnline.com has exclusive photos of the mansion plus more details of his luxurious life, outrageous earnings and how he left his company in such bad shape that taxpayers are footing the bill! Click here to see the photos and read the details: http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2009/04/your-bailout-dollars-work-exclusive-photos-merrill-lynch-chief%E2%80%99s-mansion For entertainment news, pop culture and all the news you care about, check out www.RadarOnline.com on a regular basis. Your world is on our Radar www.Radaronline.com ______________________________________________________ Unsubscribe Information: You are receiving this email because you signed up to receive our mailings through one of our sites at http://www.americanmediainc.com. If you prefer we don't contact you again by e-mail for any reason, please use this form to remove your name from our list: http://web1.ami-admin.com/perl/cms/unsubscribe_rad.pl?v=38,1,11,734994,5,0 RadarOnline.com 1000 American Media Way, Boca Raton FL, 33464